I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
