youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
cat food counts as protein by the way
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
