I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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