My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
MIDGETS
????
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
