I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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