toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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