I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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