obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize