Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
