watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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