my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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