i think i have herpe
just one?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
