woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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