Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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