connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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