At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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