I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
