I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I stole a fireplace last night.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
