when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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