Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
