My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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