I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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