I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
