I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
