how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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