My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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