I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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