I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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