Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
