So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize