Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
