Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
