Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
