were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
