1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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