2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
not ubering you a puppy
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