I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I need a beard to bite.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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