Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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