I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
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