I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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