If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
