at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
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