Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
