2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
