saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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