My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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