swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
