tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
