you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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