just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
