My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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