i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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