I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
