HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
