Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
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