Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Randomize
