Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
